The first step in successful conflict resolution is to discuss the "rules of engagement" with your spouse before you have a fight. Share this list with your partner and decide if the two of you are willing to follow these rules the next time a conflict occurs.
For strong emotional issues, there are two non-negotiable rules. First, confrontations are by appointment only. Both parties must feel ready and have time to prepare, which may take several days. Begin, without anger, by briefly describing your problem, or put it in writing and hand it to your partner. Then make an appointment to sit down and talk.
The second rule is that either person may call for a time-out at any time he or she chooses. This is essential for keeping destructive emotions, like anger and fear, in check. A time-out can last for five minutes or may take several hours or days, but it is the responsibility of the person who calls for the break to suggest immediately a specific time to reconvene.
Remember, Anger Never Works. Never. It may feel good at the moment, and you may feel justified or entitled to do so, but it will undermine any possibility of successfully resolving your conflict. This is not my opinion, but the consensus drawn from hundreds of studies carried out over the past 20 years. Anger puts the other person on the defensive, and when this happens, you’ve already lost the argument. And continued anger will permanently damage your hippocampus, that part of your brain that regulates your feelings and moods. Brain-scan research confirms this neurological fact: anger only begets more anger; in yourself, and in the person to whom you are trying to talk.
The 21 rules are divided into three sections: strategies for beginning a constructive dialogue, strategies for containing disruptive emotions, strategies that improve communication, and strategies for finding creative solutions:
Three strategies for beginning a constructive dialogue:
*1. Pick the Right Time. Make an appointment to sit down and talk. But first, ask yourself the following question: “Can my partner really hear me and respond to me at this time?” If not, consider waiting for a better time. Avoid discussing difficult issues prior to going to work or sleep, and give yourself plenty of time to unwind afterward.
2. Find the Best Location. Agree to meet in a place where the two of you won’t be disturbed by telephones, business, or kids. Avoid confrontations in the bedroom; always reserve that room for peacefulness and rest. Consider having your discussion in the most beautiful, quiet place you can find, perhaps in a garden or at your favorite park. Walking while you talk often takes the edge off particularly sensitive issues. If you think your partner may get angry, you might consider meeting in a restaurant or other public place. Or the use the phone if a face-to-face meeting feels too threatening.
*3. Open Your Dialogue with Kindness. Begin any confrontation with an expression of respect by giving a compliment, a small gift, or a tender embrace. This is essential because it lets your partner know that you are entering the dispute with a willingness to protect the underlying love that you share. You can even hold each other's hand - this makes it difficult for many people to get defensive.
Five Strategies for Containing Disruptive Emotions:
*1. Avoid Provocative Language. No insults or accusations. No denunciations or condemnations. No blaming or yelling or sarcasm or swearing or threats. Just ask your partner to inform you if your communication feels like an attack – you’ll be surprised how often your words are heard as an attack.
*2. Soften the Tone of Your Voice. Pay close attention to your voice as you speak because hostility can be communicated through tone as well as words. And you'll be more effective if you speak slowly, with warmth. Soothing, gentle speech goes a long way in getting your message across. And slow down; talking fast makes it more difficult for the other person to hear what you have to say.
3. Be Aware of Nonverbal Communication. Feelings and emotions can be communicated nonverbally through facial expressions and body movements. Looking away, frowning, giving an exaggerated smile, or rolling your eyes will be interpreted as anger, hostility, sarcasm, or disbelief. These cues can stimulate an unwanted reaction from partner, so ask for feedback about any nonverbal message you may send. Work out a system where each of you can let the other person know when communication is breaking down. For example, you can raise a finger when you feel that the dialogue is becoming tense.
4. Monitor Your Anger and Recognize the Danger Zone. If you find yourself getting more upset as you talk or listen, take a few minutes to calm down. Close your eyes, yawn and take deep breaths, and stretch your arms and legs. Ask your mate for help: the contact of your partner’s hand often has a soothing effect. Shakiness, increased perspiration, clamminess of the skin, a tight jaw, chest pressure, clenched hands, and exaggerated facial expressions are signs that you may soon lose emotional control. Ask your partner to point out any warning signs that you may fail to notice, and then take a break.
5. Call for a Time-Out. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed, call for a five to thirty minute break - but don’t just walk away or suddenly hang up the phone. An abrupt interruption can really upset your partner because you have not given her or him enough time to prepare for your time out. Take a minute to explain why you need to take a break, and then set a time to resume. During the time out, practice relaxation exercises. If communication breaks down again, consider rescheduling for the next day.
Seven Strategies to Improve Communication:
*1. Show Respect for Your Partner’s Point of View. It is important to acknowledge your partner’s perspectives and criticisms, even if you don’t agree, for no two people see a problem in exactly the same way. Let your partner know that you appreciate hearing what he or she thinks. For example, you might say, “I really want to know what you think and how you feel about this problem.” Or, “It really helps me to understand you better when you explain to me your perspective.”
*2. Take Equal Responsibility: Learn to think about conflicts as a conjoint problem. Rarely is the problem simply “yours” or “mine.”
*3. Take Turns: Don't talk for more than two minutes. Then let your partner talk for two minutes without interruption. Use a timer if you have trouble limiting yourself, and if you feel that you need more time to talk, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to listen for an extended period.
4. Be Specific: Make a written list of the issues you want to address, but focus on one problem at a time. For example, if you’re talking about a hurtful statement that your partner recently made, don’t bring up other events from the past. Stay focused on the specific event that occurred. Provide concrete details and complete explanations of the problem and ways in which it can be resolved.
5. Ask For Clarification: If you are unclear about what your partner is saying, ask him or her to restate the issue: “I’m not sure if I really understand. Can you tell me again, or in a different way?” Ask for details to help your partner illuminate subtle but important points. But do so compassionately.
*6. Talk about Yourself: Begin sentences with “I feel...” rather than “You are...” Talk about what is going on inside of you, but be specific: avoid over-generalities and vague descriptions. For example, instead of saying “I feel hurt when I’m criticized,” identify the specific event and the feelings they brought up for you at the moment: “When you tell me I’m a slob, it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t help us find a solution. Maybe you can ask me instead to clean up my mess.” 
7. Avoid Mind Reading: Don’t presume that you know what your partner thinks or feels; ask questions instead. Instead of saying, “You always get defensive when we have company over,” which is an example of mind reading, turn it into a question: “When we have company over, do you get defensive?” Questions are less threatening than statements, but beware of questions that are really criticisms: “Can’t you see that you’re being defensive?” is really a critical “you” statement in disguise.
Six Strategies for Finding Creative Solutions:
1. Search for Constructive Ideas: Offer specific suggestions and ask your partner for alternative ideas. Write them down on a sheet of paper and talk about them. Search for solutions that include the other person’s ideas in your plan.
2. Try Brainstorming: Turn on your creativity. Take turns dreaming up ridiculous solutions (“Let’s adopt a pet elephant and bring him with us when we visit my parents.”). Be silly, and use your imagination, writing down every notion that pops up. When you’ve done this a dozen times, often an idea is touched upon that really works.
3. Sit With Your Problem for a Week: If an effective solution is not found, mull it over for a few days. Don’t try to solve it; just be aware of it and watch the feelings and thoughts that occur. Often, by week’s end, a new solution will appear. Ask your friends for additional ideas and then discuss them with your mate.
4. Implement Your Plan: Play with different solutions (“If we did A, then B could happen, possibly leading us to C...”). When you “test-drive” your plans in this way, you can often identify and resolve unrecognized difficulties before they occur. Work out a step-by-step solution to your problem - who will do what, when, where, and how - and write it down.
*5. Close With Kindness: Give supportive remarks (“I really appreciate your willingness to go through this process - I know how hard it is”) and give each other a hug, doing everything possible to generate kindness before your conversation ends.
*6. Get a Progress Report: Keep checking in with your partner over the next few days and weeks, requesting feedback: “How do you feel about our plan?” or “Do you think we are making progress?” Then evaluate your problem-solving skills: “What did you like the most about the process, and what did you like the least?” Or “What would you do differently the next time a problem occurs?”
21 Rules - It's a lot to remember when you are in conflict with your mate. But even if you follow the 10 most important ones (I starred them
for you), you'll need to ask your partner for help because we never seem so realize when we are violating the rules! Couples often come to therapists when it's too late; there's too much resentment that has built up over the years. So the best time to develop your problem-solving skills is when you don’t have any serious problems. Talk about this list with your partner. Find out what he or she likes and dislikes, and work out your own strategy for addressing future conflicts. If you do this, you’ll solve many problems before they even begin. And if you need some help implementing effective dialogue, find a counselor you admire or trust. It should only take a few sessions to tune up your communication skills.
Yours truly,
Mark
Mark Robert Waldman Counseling, Research, Workshops, Lectures, and Editorial Services
1601 Carmen Drive. Suite 203, Camarillo CA 93010
805-907-1181
markwaldman@sbcglobal.net
For more information on conflict transformation, visit the nonprofit website of the
Conflict Resolution Information Source
at www.crinfo.org.